Running in Circles

Posted on Fri Apr 21st, 2023 @ 1:10 by Reagan D'Angelo

Chapter: All Hallow's Eve
Location: The loch and surrounding areas of the Institute
Timeline: Wednesday, October 27th, early evening before sunset
1609 words - 3.2 OF Standard Post Measure

“Why are you calling me, Rae?”

Another day going moderately well, little intrusive thoughts poking at Reagan’s brain here and there. A tune on the radio over lunch, a want to stop by the library, order the latest journals for her own academic growth and to get ideas for keeping her children sharp, but being avoidant about it somehow. After classes, after a quick meal, she found herself pacing her room, unsure what this bug was that was gnawing at her. And so she’d picked up the phone, like she had before, dozens of times over the past few years. It was always her, right?

“I don’t know. Just wanted to talk, I guess. How’re things?”

Generic, uncertain. Evasive even. Kristen was used to it, sick of it. And Reagan could hear it in her terse replies. And the conversation had gone from awkward to personal to outright deflection, like it always did. Some excuse or another had been used, the details hadn’t mattered. Reagan found herself hung up on, again. Suddenly, her office wasn’t really the haven she thought it’d been.

“Hey, It’s Rhiannon. Sorry, I’m not home right now. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you!” BEEP.

Another scrunched face look, this one with less disgust but just as much disappointment as she put the receiver back on the hook without even so much as breathing into the answering machine. No sense wasting the little cassette. What would she even say? A frustrated closing of her books found Reagan on a beeline for her vice of choice. Hair tied back, changed into something appropriate for outdoor activity, boring, white jogging shoes, and out the door before she’d really even processed leaving her office.

More time still, before she let her mind even begin to wander over why it was being so weird today. It helped her to have cool, autumn air flowing over her face off the loch. The shore was to her left, as was the Institute, and she was headed for a nice, big circular path further into a wooded area that would loop back along that same shore. She hadn’t quite timed it yet, but she bet good money she could be back just in time for a proper sunset. The sun, as it was now, was inching closer to that horizon, and it made her pick up her pace. Her mind began to ease into more sure things then; Breathing, watching the trail ahead, enjoying the scenery when she could. Calling her ex, and then her sister of all people? Out of the blue? She started running faster, convincing herself she needed to pick up the pace for the sake of the challenge against the sun itself.

But the distraction only lasted so long. Damn her athleticism, but she reached a pace she knew was good enough and her body just… handled it. Her lungs had the capacity, her muscles the endurance, her diet kept her energy at good levels, she drank plenty of water. She lived for this sort of activity. And so, back on auto pilot, her mind set itself back to just going along for the ride, lost in thoughts. Should have brought my Walkman. And just like that, suspicion raised itself, drawing her eyes into a partial squint despite not looking anywhere near the setting sun.

True to her request, she’d borrowed Sarah’s mixtape from Cameron and somehow… it felt like she was back home, in school. Those days when she was just another, normal girl, one of two twins under a busy pair of Manhattan socialite parents. She’d had records then. And then came her powers, and everything shifted. Open, happy, normal in nearly every way except who she crushed on, and then on to reserved, cautious, stubborn. She hadn’t even explored any of those feelings until she was properly placed at Cambridge, really. That’s when she’d received her first mixtape from a girl. Her mind then… Scattered, unsure, anxious, excited. Not much had come of it, all in all, not with her patented blend of fearful paranoia. Not of who she loved and what society thought of that, but of the other thing, lurking in her genes.

A brief glance toward the setting sun gave her some indication. Lots of time, and she’d already reached the halfway marker, a nice, old tree to circle around and return from. And so she was afforded the opportunity to stop, or at least slow to a walk briefly while she considered, swearing internally despite her isolation.

“Is this you?” Who she was asking, even she wasn’t sure. Herself? She was certainly considering these feelings as like those had been before, and she wasn’t sure if she liked it or not. Someone else? Like the creator of said mixtape? Less accusatory, but cautiously curious all the same. She grunted at herself in frustration and started off on her run again before she got too distracted and didn’t meet her goal.

If she was feeling this way, it might explain her reaching out. At least partially. If she needed an emotional release valve, Cameron wasn’t out here, that she knew of. Nice and close inside those walls. Same with Claire, or any of the others on the team to an extent, really. Someone, anyone, was better than being her usual failure of a person with Kristen. And her sister was maybe worse. She hadn’t talked to Rhiannon in years, not since she initially took this job and was planning on leaving London. What had she even planned on doing? Apologizing? To either one? To both? What next, was she going to call her mother? No, whatever this feeling was, whatever it was that pushed her to try and reach out to those people in particular and not the much better options right here at Avalon, that mixtape really did help her connect the dots. Those feelings she’d always had that she kept to herself. That aspect of her life where she always fell short with her secrets that really only Cameron knew in greater detail. And that was always only if he asked, never offered freely. And then… well, he’d been there. Not that he’d intentionally instigated anything, was just introducing her to his new friend that he’d saved. But there it was. A clear answer, if one she wasn’t satisfied with.

Sarah was interesting. She was cute, sure, and a total nerd. She could dig that. But why had so little interaction had such an impact? Was she really that lonely? She had her team, she had her students, she had Cameron and Claire. And she was pretty sure she was a better friend to them than she’d ever been more than friends with anyone else, like Kristen. That should have been enough. What room was there for curious crushes and those sort of feelings? And then there was their professional relationship to consider. Fellow faculty, fellow educator in her own capacity, and yet there was something there no one else had ever had with her; Sarah had to know about her mutation. And that meant this was completely uncharted territory for Reagan.

She was clear of the woods, back on the shore and headed back up to the castle and its little island. A brief glance gave her plenty of time with the sun. The bottom of it was nearing the horizon now, making landfall and saturating the air in oranges and reds and shades of pink. She was thankful for the distraction before the thoughts came back and all that overthinking, all that anxious, complex action, those bad decisions earlier boiled down to something that seemed so frivolous to her. She had a schoolgirl crush, and circumstances made it seem silly at best, far as she could tell. Even assuming Sarah would be interested, what was her next step? Did she even have one? Or was it just another ill-advised venture that she’d crash and end up doing more harm than good for no return?

A million questions ran through her head, and she suddenly found herself too frustrated to even enjoy her victory as she crossed back on to the grounds ahead of the disappearing sun. Worst of all, pioneering and novel as it all was, she truly felt alone in trying to answer any of them. Answers didn’t come, not readily anyhow. She asked herself as she returned to her room, as she changed and showered, as she graded homework with a late night snack, and all the way until her head hit her pillow for the evening. It was only then that she gave up and decided to compromise with herself, if only to see if she could get some proper sleep. Most of her was convinced she was just being silly, acting like she was 18 again, so she made a pact with the nagging remainder. She’d try to establish if Sarah might even be interested, observe, talk casually, but not try to broach the subject directly, and go from there. After all, her stubborn side comforted her, when she discovered Sarah was just another good friend to have and was straight as an arrow, she could put it all to rest and be confident that her initial assessment had been correct the whole time.